Irvin's Voice

Issue 8:

Following the frustration of Monday, yesterday I got the call from the hospital checking my availability for Saturday.  It was a bitter sweet moment difficult to put into words.  To try… I felt a tiredness after leaving the hospital on Monday morning, this I am sure is a physical reaction of mine to relieve stress.  This continued into Tuesday and the wife let me sleep in until mid morning.  When I eventually pulled myself together but I didn’t immediately dash for my ‘to do list’ which is hardwired into me.  Instead I found myself watching  a few hours of inane television, a very mild tonic and being so willingly complicit this was easily enough to divert my attention  from thinking to far ahead.  Without a date to focus on

Wednesday thankfully was back to normal,  an early visit to work followed by an impromptu guitar lesson. (there will be more on this new venture in the weeks to follow) Then firmly back on the ‘to-do list’ back to small practical steps my most familiar modus operandi.

Thursday, the plan was to spend some quality time relaxing not something I am used to but a very welcome idea.  Meeting friends at a local gym to lounge around in the spa followed lunch.  Just before setting off came a phone call from the hospital to ask if i am available to come in on Saturday.  As my diary is moving forward on a day to day basis there was nothing to check and I instantly agreed.  The hospital then needed to confirm attendance of the surgical team and all the other necessary bits and bobs.  This left me waiting for a call to confirm everything.  This was a bitter sweet sensation relief knowing that my treatment is getting back on track and a certain amount of trepidation something I had managed to totally overcome in the build up to Monday.  Thinking back to the beginning of the week I had nearly three weeks to build up momentum towards the big day being very careful with my focus.  On Monday I went from 100mph to 0mph in about five minutes that left me breathless.  Yesterday it was 0mph straight to 100mph with the exactly the same effect, blurring my focus a little.

Friday, today… The feeling I have towards everything today is quite different to the previous eve.  I must admit some of yesterdays trepidation is still with me, the best way to combat this is to get my list out and start ticking things off, a simple distraction is definitely a good technique for me.  After a busy morning at home the wife and I went for one last dinner date. After the school run  I found a quiet moment to sit with my daughter and explain that tomorrow is now the big day.  This was met with a round of tears which was expected.  I went through the various stages to prepare her for a second time.  The most upsetting thought for her is clearly the prospect of my voice changing.  She notably struggled with my sustained silence after the biopsy but at least this has demonstrated my powers of recovery and become an experience she can draw a positive from.  Last Sunday there didn’t seem enough hours in the day, today feels exactly the same.  I put this down to my ‘to-do list’ there is always another job to do and as the time draws near again and my tension rises I differ more and more attention to it.  Pre planning things I cant do just now and re prioritising according to the preconception of my recovery, thankfully my work is never done.

If I consider the new date good news we have a few other positives to concentrate on today, my brother in law in Australia has started to find some movement in his hand following his stroke last week which a big relief for him also my Friend Laz will be at the hospital tomorrow for the arrival of his first son, despite only being a short distance away I will have to wait a few weeks before I can meet him.  Unless there is an issue with bed availability again this will be my last post for a little while.  I have asked the wife to post in my absence to report on the immediate results and ongoing recovery until I am able to continue myself.  I would like to thank everybody for the continued support I have received, read back through comments and messages is very humbling I only hope I can display the strength they give me once the real work of getting better starts next week.

Best Regards,

Irvin

 

Issue 7.

A quick update is required after todays experience.  My appointment at the hospital was for 7.30am to book in before moving through to the ‘DoSAA’ Day of Surgery Admission Area.  Last night I had two sachets of a pre-load drink and third this morning at 6am to help prepare the body for major surgery.  We arrived on time and moved through to an over crowded waiting room, not one available seat, clearly a busy morning.  I waited with my entourage on a bench in the corridor before being moved into a side room.  Once in there i got a name tag, a nurse checked my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate then brought me a gown and some compression socks to wear, no sign of paper underwear at this stage.  The two surgeons and the registrar came in to meet me to discuss my ‘life changing surgery’ they helped to reassure me I was in good hands.  They answered a few more of my questions and I completed all the consent forms. One question I didn’t ask came from my sister… what colour will the tongue be once they have finished?

Whilst learning about the various dangers and potential side effects that lay ahead I felt the now familiar feeling of butterflies taking flight from my stomach heading north to make me feel a little light headed.  With some controlled breathing I sometimes use to help me sleep I settled down quickly.  This combined with last nights lack of sleep my relaxation exercise worked particularly well and I managed more a meditation than a sleep, still semi conscious listening to the conversations around me.

It had been explained before today and throughout the morning that i could only go through to theatre once a bed in ICU had been confirmed.  The consultant explained that a meeting at 8.30am would determine all the bed allocations.  The NHS has already cancelled most non essential surgeries in January due to the shortage of beds for patients with emergencies and cancer patients taking president.  At 10.30am we had a visit from a Lady on the hospital management team to inform me that unfortunately today there was no room at the inn and that she couldn’t give me a new date and I would be contacted in due course.  The corporate style apology came with tea and toast to soften the blow and a free parking pass for our inconvenience. Surprisingly it wasn’t relief that washed over me, it was quite the opposite a rare blend of internalised anger and frustration.  I have put so much effort into preparing myself mentally for this morning, for it all to fall through at the final hurdle was hard to accept.

The lead consultant came through to discuss todays outcome as they found out straight after I was told.  It was clearly met with their disapproval, the surgical team were dressed ready to go just waiting for the green light.  It became a wasted morning for a whole team of medical professionals.  The Max Fax team are now looking to get me back in at the earliest opportunity and even asked if i could be available at weekends.  My confidence in them remains absolute.  It is the wider more political aspects of the NHS and the sheer lack of funding that is to be blunt a complete disappointment.  The doctors have their hands completely tied it must be just as frustrating for them with the amount of preparation that goes into a 12 hour session.

Previously I had a date to work to, putting the blinkers back on and looking forwards I don’t have a date now so i need to keep a bag packed and at a moments notice be ready in mind, body and spirit.  This is much harder to work with than a fixed date in the diary.  From this mornings dry run I now know exactly what to expect next time around so the butterflies will remain at bay.  I have seen yet again that the kids are my Achilles heel, telling them everything will be just fine when in truth no one will know the outcome until after the operation.  Saying good bye to two tearful children that don’t want their daddy to go to hospital is so difficult and now that’s the bit i will be dreading the most next time around.

To everyone through yesterday and today that has rallied and found a moment of time to send a message through in one form or another, thank you very much its a great source of courage.  I feel somewhat deflated and exhausted after todays hit and miss, for me this feeling extends to everyone that has been following my progress.  As soon as I get the next date I will let everyone know.  To finish on a more positive note, next time around the journey to the hospital will be a little easier.

Issue 6.

Following the final pre-treatment meeting on Friday, the time that has passed so slowly over the last few weeks has started to slip through my fingers faster and faster.  The meeting was a useful exchange with the dietician and a lead nurse from the Maxillofacial team (Max fax).  Whilst January is usually a month for detox and diet to shed some the indulgencies that Christmas brings, I have been on a quite a different course.  I literally starved through the Christmas holidays watching more than one marvellous spread of food; turkey, roast potatoes, brussel  sprouts and especially pigs in blankets being passed under my nose whilst I slurped painfully on celeriac soup.  Now the boot is firmly on the other foot, I have spent all of January eating as much as I can, full fat everything as instructed.

My intention of writing another full blog complete with pictures ahead of my surgery tomorrow became quite an onerous task, I had no idea how busy today would turn out to be.  We have had a steady flow of visitors throughout the day, dropping by to wish us all well and offer any help for the days and weeks ahead.  My phone hasn’t stopped ringing, pinging and popping with messages and emails all day, I have tried to respond to most, apologies if I haven’t yet replied I have read through every single one.

Close family and friends have been round for tea, a much needed distraction for the wife.  There has been a definite tension in the house today the kids have been on edge.  My daughter is very aware of what is happening her regular lines of questioning revolve around my diagnosis and treatment.  I initially didn’t explain the gravity of a cancer diagnosis that said I haven’t sugar coated it either.  I have explained the procedure to her which is officially known as ‘left hemiglossectomy, neck dissection and reconstruction with radial free forearm flap’.  She has then gone on to discover for herself the more macabre side of cancer and at just seven she is really struggling with the range of emotions that are coming out.

Lots of friends mention how strong I have been so far maintaining such a positive outlook. I can reveal the source of this power.  It comes from having to keep a composure and explain to my daughter that her daddy needs to do this no matter how horrible it sounds.  It comes from looking at my family and trying to image a life for them I am not a part of.  It comes from watching my son and daughter sleep so peacefully, I check in on them every single night to pull the covers back on.  Since the diagnosis I have found myself captivated by how content they are in that moment.  I try to imagine them as teenagers and adults, a one minute job becomes a 15minute meditation.  So much of this strength comes from my friends and families faith in me and finally it comes from my pure stubbornness, I will not surrender any part of myself to it.  My clear vision is to press pause on my life’s journey then work my way back to the best my abilities will allow, back to the start of all this to simply carry on from where I left off.

Irvin’s Voice was born from the fact that one of the biggest impacts the procedure will have is on my voice.  I will definitely not be able to speak for some time.  Speech therapy will be required to help me first learn to swallow again and then to help find my new voice as I expect to sound quite different.  I haven’t spent any time at all recording my voice for posterity, my mantra is to keep moving forward without looking back.  I did however want to keep a record of my voice for the sole purpose of monitoring my progress throughout my therapy. I have chosen a short book called ‘You…’ written by Emma Dodd that we often read to the children when they were younger, in fact they still like it being read to them and its officially the wife’s favourite.  Being a short story, I am thinking to record myself reading the same passage ahead of surgery and then through the different stages of my recovery and let people see how first hand how its progressing.  I’m not expecting much initially but be assured I will be putting my heart and soul into it.  I am aware that my speech has already changed slightly following the biopsy though to most folk it sounds the same as usual.  To listen to my bench mark recording please have a look on my face book page as i can’t post a video on this blogging platform.

My next post will be as soon as I am able.  My wife will hopefully contribute to my blog  in my absence bringing an update of the early stages of my recovery.  I will be looking forward to reading it myself, hopefully i wont know too much of what is going on during this time.  So until the next time, i am signing off for a short break.

 

Issue 5

The subject of my impending doom is one I have never had the need to consider.  I have wasted one too many hours after midnight trying to contemplate this with little or no conclusion.  What would my legacy be if I meet my maker next week? I would wager it’s not something anybody in good health has considered or perhaps I have just discovered the basis of the phenomena know as mid life crisis.  If there is any truth in this, I still haven’t arrived at this junction in life.  So how do you measure your legacy? Is it wealth, academia, experience, ability, talent, achievements or the number of followers on Twitter (I have none of these) the list could go on and on.  I guess any answer to this reflects a moral cross section of an individual.  For example, focusing on the car you drive or the house you live in makes you sound materialistic to others but if you built the house with your own hands then it would be something to be proud of.  I suppose the aim would be to measurable in each of these departments, but I for one can’t do this, how many of us honestly could do?

Before I attempt to answer this it’s worth noting that blowing my own trumpet is definitely a weakness of mine.  This is along with buying presents for people, I never know what to buy and as I rarely shop my eyes are immediately turned to things I would like to buy for myself, the result usually arriving home with a bag full of goodies but not a gift in sight.  At this point a swift apology to the wife wouldn’t go amiss however in life it is said that opposites attract and shopping is a particular talent of hers and the natural balance is restored.

The person I am today is conscientious and works hard, probably too hard.  The last few weeks contemplating my future have made me want to adjust my work life balance.  I consider myself lucky to enjoy my work and the company of the people I work with. Now approaching 19 years of service I have never updated my CV mainly because I would struggle breathing life into it, not through a lack of achievement, far from it.  I just find it hard to talk about myself in the manor required.  As the years have eased by my role has progressed and evolved, it continues to engage me on a daily basis, no two days are ever the same at Bannister Hall.  A special thank you is required to Alan and the BH team for their continued support.  

Getting back to the question in hand… A good place to start would be the number of messages of support delivered electronically, snail mail, over the phone and/or in person.  The easiest way to answer would be to count all of these up and present a number, similar to Douglas Adam’s answer to Life the universe and everything (42).  Unfortunately, I realise a more philosophical approach is expected though I do think there is a lot of substance to this especially if I consider the alternative. 

The thing I hold dearest is without doubt my family.  Its difficult not to be biased so I wont attempt to try.  Our twentieth wedding anniversary approaches in August, the wife and I have enjoyed 15 adventurous years together before populating two of our spare rooms with offspring.  For the last seven years we have muddled along like every other parent hoping we are doing it right.  When I try and look at the kids objectively they make me feel so proud.  The zest for life they have is definitely keeping me young at heart despite the exhausting routine of running them around from one club to the next.   

My Daughter shares the ambition of most seven-year olds and longs to be a dancer preferring to practice this over most other things. She is very fortunate to be naturally talented at everything she tries, as parents we haven’t pushed her along all the drive and enthusiasm comes from within her it is so energising to be around.  She really enjoys school and has a genuine thirst for knowledge happily practising on the piano to ready to impress for the next lesson.  Whilst playing the Game of Life board game over Christmas she by chance became the dancer but surprisingly elected to give up her chosen vocation to be a video game designer because they earned so much more money.  At just seven she has very clear goals and is not afraid of bossing people around and even upsetting her peers to get what she wants, in fact that statement extends to the adults in her life as well.  We have our ups and downs as the boundaries keep getting pushed at home, behaviour negotiations can be quite tense as she always stands her ground.  Despite her frenetic trajectory she loves a quiet cuddle and thankfully lots of them.

My Son is quite a different character, he unfortunately shares my stubbornness.  Once he has made his mind up its not changing, on difficult days the only effective lever we have as parents is chocolate.  To complete the imagery (and also) keep intake to a minimum we use chocolate coins to bribe him.  He also differs in the way he plays, a good example is with Lego.  My daughter loves to build, the more complicated the better once finished she moves onto the next challenge.  My son also loves to build but then he will play with his creation for days crashing it around and rebuilding his imagination is captivating and I am still his favourite play mate (for now) which I know won’t last too much longer but, I am prepared to fight for my place at the top of that list.  He is a definitely a creature of habit, already I can see my mild OCD coming through. Every morning he is the first to wake up, if I’m lucky its after 6am “Daddy Wake Up!”  breaks through my deepest slumber.  We head down stairs to make tea and warm milk.  The milk routine needs to be precise or it means starting again. This gets harder each week as he attempts more for himself every time. Indeed, he has learned to count backwards before he could forward as each morning we count aloud to the microwave timer. 

It seems alarm clocks have no effect on the women in our house in fact Monday to Friday even a small earthquake wouldn’t wake them.  Certainly, the wife is incapacitated until plied with a fresh cup of tea, even then it is only the thought of luke warm tea that compels her to get up. 

Getting back again to the question in hand…I have always had a peace within myself, it’s not often the ripples in my life get big enough to spill over and escape the mill pond.  I’m not happy with some of the choices I have made in life, but, it is the choices we make that decide our path.  Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing that has led me here today and risk not having the life I have now, one that I cherish.  If I take off my rose spectacles I can acknowledge its not perfect, I certainly wish my to-do list was much shorter. 

In trying to quantify my life to date in terms of a legacy I have really struggled to put forward a complete answer.  I have just made one of my better choices in life, that at this point I won’t answer the question.  I have absolute faith that the many chapters in my life still to unfold will give me much more to reflect upon in the years to come, only then will I look at this again.

Tomorrow morning, I have a pre-treatment meeting with the ENT team where I will learn a lot more about the what happens after the surgery.  I will know what is to be expected in terms of recovery time and the various difficulties I will need to overcome.  My aim is to take from this meeting a new focus to keep my thoughts firmly fixed on a positive approach to my recovery as from Monday all my resolve will be put firmly to the test.

Issue 4.

Following the results last Wednesday, the sheer relief of knowing that the cancer is contained and treatable has let me enjoy some valuable family time without having any nagging thoughts.  The only reminder of my condition is the numbness in my tongue and aching I get when I talk too much which my loving wife assures me is most of the time.

For a whole week I have tried to slot in to my usual routine with varying levels of success.  A few visits to work to tie up some odds and ends was a welcome distraction, to see the people I work with day in day out was actually really good, sitting back at my desk dealing with the problems that usually fall under my remit wasn’t the chore I have always considered it to be.  I turned out for my Badminton team Hawks ‘C’ again, great to be with people I know so well and part of the team.  The down side to this was despite feeling in great condition, the reality was quite a shock.  Competitive badminton is a very high impact sport and demands a lot of endurance over the course of match. Usually, I finish with the same vigour I start with but on Tuesday after the first game I was totally exhausted.  This exertion left me jaded on Wednesday and even worse on Thursday, when sleep was the main order of the day.  I need to listen to my body and tone down my activity to a sustainable level.  I still intend to get in one last ride on my mountain bike which will be next weeks big adventure though I will need to take it easy which won’t come naturally to me.    

In medical terms I don’t really have anything to write about, I have already touched upon my acceptance of the process and I honestly can’t wait to get started.  I spent some time trying to plan some blog posts and after staring at a blank page for at least three cups of coffee, a few ideas started to flow into several ideas and now I’m hoping I can squeeze it all in before Jan 22^nd.

I have so many thank you’s for people in every facet of my life I don’t know where to start.  The messages of support didn’t just snowball they avalanched into my inbox.  I feel so grateful to have so many people taking the time to send such heart felt messages, it’s very moving.  There are a few I would like to pick out for a special mention.  First my lovely wife, the initial shock felt by her I think was greater than my own.  Our trip to Australia was to be the perfect tonic to a very testing year for her and the news of my cancer rocked her to the core, however when pushed, my wife pushes back.  Her refusal to let any of the trails of 2017 drag her down have been so admirable, now this latest challenge revolves around me, the strength of her love I am sure will pull me through regardless of how it unfolds. A new chapter has unfolded and to add to my tale of woe, my wife’s brother David who we should be staying with right now in Australia has suffered a stroke affecting the left side of his body leaving his hand and leg without any movement.  He is in good spirits similar to myself as we are both about to start a new chapter in our lives. 

My immediate family had all booked in with my mum for Christmas dinner, our original plan was to help dispatch the turkey pick up our cases and head for the airport.  Instead of rushing off we had lovely day the best part watching our kids play so well with their cousins, no biting, kicking or scratching – amazing!  A couple of days before Christmas I had a chat with my sister about the prognosis, during this conversation I aired my idea of writing a blog to document my experience.  She recognised the need for a laptop, secretly coerced what my laptop needs would be and after a whip round the family and some last-minute shopping, Father Christmas had a surprise gift under my Mums Christmas tree, a new laptop for which I am truly grateful.  Sitting down to write is something I have never done, and it doesn’t come easy. The great thing is that it helps me collect all my thoughts, put them in to an order which I can understand myself.   Once written I can park them clearing the way to actually think about how it all makes me feel.  The process has been so cathartic, I have found a completely new ability I never knew I needed.    

My friend Joe and his arch nemesis the ‘Ice Queen’ aka Kate my sister-in-law have also been tremendous with their response, dropping everything to accompany me to the consultations.  Kate has a medical background and very familiar with NHS protocol and terminology.  Joe is self-appointed project manager, health guru for my recovery and lifelong friend of the highest calibre.  My bet is there is already a spread sheet with my name on it with targets and deadlines.  I couldn’t ask for a better lead or for a better friend.  Born from this experience so far, I have a rapid response soup unit, a guitar teacher, a spinning partner, an elite team of box movers, offers of places to stay for peace and quiet and a two-week pass for Nuffield Gym. The generosity of people that care has been totally amazing!

I now have about ten days to fill before the big day.  My first instinct is always practical steps, already I have a long list of jobs that doesn’t include ‘blogging’, in fact it’s the same list that I have always had its just that now there is a deadline, one that can’t be moved.  This list of tasks is ideal for me, simple things to focus on.  I have picked those that I need to get done immediateky and also some of the more tedious things I have set for myself post op, strangely jobs I have ignored for years I am now looking forward to starting.

We have a downstairs room that serves two purposes, it is primarily a play room for the children also a guest bed room.  Since Christmas it has taken on a third responsibility, housing Christmas presents, I can only just open the door.  I have spent a whole afternoon screening old toys into one of three categories; toys with potential, toys in use and toys overlooked.  It was all going very well, I didn’t know I could be so ruthless the pile of toys to move on had grown to an impressive size driven by the pressure to find cupboard space.  It was only when the kids walked in, ignored the keepers and started to pull out each and every toy I wanted to get rid of, I felt like a villain from toy story putting Woody and Buzz up for the chop!

The kids are now back at school and I have really enjoyed walking them in and being there to collect them at the end of their day.  The school run always used to be a chore volleyed between the wife and myself followed by the race home to feed them.  Not having to rush through this has been very enjoyable and immediately became the highlight of my day.  I have used this last week to catch up with friends and relatives we haven’t seen for a while.  We have also hosted many friend including surprise visitors and relished the opportunity for a few beers and the chance to get a cheese board out.  Notably red wine has been an issue for a while one I am glad to report I have overcome.  Tannins in red wine adhere to the tongue and are very much part of the wine experience.  My tongue post bi-op hasn’t welcomed this sensation, until the last couple of days a testament to either my love of red wine or my dogged determination. 

Whilst at work today hiding at my desk away from the majority of customers.  I have told three more people about the tumour in my tongue, the reaction I get now is initially shock followed by sadness to the point where I strangely feel bad about bringing it up.  The answer to ‘How was your Christmas?’ is ‘Not quite what I intended’ I would be happy to leave it there but admittedly it leads to more questions the answers get harder and harder to say.

To summarise this last week the mood in camp is still very positive.  The lack of energy highlighted midweek felt like a real setback, but I accept my body has been recovering from the biopsy and the rapid weight loss that followed it.  I admit to being very frustrated having to change my fitness plans only a few days.  Lower intensity and more rest between is the new regime.      

          

Issue 3.

The appointment I have been quietly dreading came at 10.30am today.  My main concern being, has the cancer spread beyond my tongue?  From the questions I had been asked during initial consultation and prior to the biopsy I surmised the tumour was bigger than they usually come across and that it had been there for a considerable time.  With this my thoughts very quickly jumped to the possibilities of the more negative outcomes interfering with my desire to get through it.  As I have mentioned previously I am a very positive person at heart but my mind will always look at every eventuality no matter how despairing.  Arriving at the hospital well in advance of meeting I booked in and went for a coffee and a chat with my corner team.  Even when I walked into the Maxillofacial department I was calm and very much in control knowing that during the previous meetings the news delivered to me set my whole body to overheat and made me very light-headed.  The butterflies only took flight when the nurse called me through.

On entering the small consultation room, I started to prepare myself in my usual way, small practical steps in answer to emotions bubbling quietly.  Coat, hat and scarf off neatly hung up and a window opened to keep the room cool.  Whilst practising the art of mild OCD it was noticeable that the consultant was smiling, in fact his mood was clearly a bright one.  In the previous consultation confirming the cancer I could genuinely see the anguish in his face.

In his direct way he started with the good news and I am very pleased to report that the cancer is confined to my tongue.  It is as I suspected, large, measuring in at 4.4 x 3.3 x 2cm which to me just sounds impossible that something that would only just fit in a match box found a place to hide in my mouth.

Following the multidiscipline meeting the treatment recommendation is to surgically remove the lump and due to its sheer size remove the lymph nodes on the left side of my neck as a precaution.  Sounds pretty simple if you say it quick.  What it actually involves is 12 hour surgery involving some reconstruction of the tongue.  Post op the recovery period will be a long one, the most obvious issue for me going forward will be my speech.  The biopsy taken 18th Dec 17 was a big one I will describe in more detail at a later date.  The biopsy left me unable to speak for almost a week and then what followed was inaudible and very painful as I tried to wish the kids a merry Christmas.  I finally managed it tucking them in bed late on Christmas day much to my daughters delight. On Christmas Eve she told Mummy she would give all her presents back to Santa if Daddy could talk again, that really gets you in the feels.

The date for the surgery is now pencilled in for 22nd Jan 18 and my guidance is to fatten up and maintain fitness levels, the eating has had some immediate attention and plans in place to get out on the mountain bike and even turn out in a cup match for my badminton team.  For now I’m pretty much pain free, able to talk in bursts and looking forward to some normality for as long as it lasts.

I have tried to lay out the procedure as I understand it below, there is a lot going on.

 

issue no.2

Since launching my little blog the response has been much better than I ever expected.  My phone has been pinging all day with wonderful messages and emails from friends old, new, near and far.  In my first post I mentioned introducing myself and the family in more detail but as most people already know us I thought I would visit that later on.

Tomorrow is a big day!

Tomorrow morning brings the next meeting with consultant.  The reports from all the scans and tests on various bits of me I left behind at the hospital will have been discussed in depth by the team of specialists.  Tomorrow I find out the full diagnosis, whether or not it has spread beyond my tongue and also, hopefully a treatment plan that describes my road to recovery.

I have never been a person to discuss feelings and emotions much to the wife’s disapproval, I have an ability not to hide or surpress them but convert an emotional response into practical pieces, and look at them as parts of a puzzle and i love solving puzzles.  I keep moving these pieces around, looking at the issue from every angle I can think of, it often generates an empathy which helps me connect back to issue in question.  I’m not sure this description is entirely accurate but it goes some way to explaining what I think is my calm and considered approach to pretty much everything.  When I am calm I think much faster and so is my default setting which is hard to change.  My approach formed over the years serves me well but I often consider it a weakness in my character.

To try and describe my feelings ahead of tomorrow, well if I start on familiar ground.  In practical terms I already know that I will struggle to sleep tonight.  Not through fear or anxiousness I have those under control for now.  Its not the thought of the procedure that’s likely to follow or even what the heck to write in the next blog! It will be the little bits of puzzle in my head shifting round all the possible outcomes not from my own perspective but my family’s.  What I am struggling with is that there is now something I front of me that has the potential to have such a great cause and effect on them.  Something I have absolutely no control of, something being realistic that could take me away from them.  I must stress at this point that I am a perpetual optimist and its the positive outcomes that I ponder.  I have never afforded any time to negativity in any form and knowing what lies ahead only strengthens my view on this.

Once I have digested the outcome of tomorrows meeting I will look to add all relevant details and any dates to keep everybody up to speed.

Back soon,

Regards Irvin